Three more months till we get the keys of our new home ánd get married! Last week tears keep running down my face and it wasn’t from excitement. I’m beyond blessed to have these things happing in my life, but it is overwhelming too. It feels like it need to be the perfect wedding, but what is the perfect wedding? And decorating the perfect house, but what is the perfect house?
This whole thing should be exciting but it’s not. Also Jop wants me to be excited about it, but what when I’m not? Then, he is working during the day, I can’t just bother him with this. Only if it’s really serious, but is this really serious? And tears continued dropping.
After work, I told Jop that I felt really stressed and he rushed to me a day earlier then planned. He stays at his parents and works from there. And I stay with my parents, 45minutes away from him. In the weekends he comes over, but now he came on thursday. I made him a small office, so he could work from my room the next morning.
Only knowing he rushed coming to me, made my tears stop running and finally put a smile on my face after some days. Am I this person who can’t be independent? Who needs to have her fiancé around every single day and can’t be by herself? Am I too emotional? What if I won’t change, will our relationship last? (This overthinking is pretty much a job by itself.)
After all this happing and after reading the first page of a good book, I know now: we all need a safe place. A place where everything is okay, but also boundaries are set. For me, a place where all thoughts are allowed to talk about and questions can be asked and explained until I get it, without verbal or nonverbal judgement. But also where the truth will be told and boundaries are set to stop thinking and believing the wrong thoughts. Sometimes I don’t like these boundaries to be set or someone telling me off. In the end, the truth will set you free.
Jop has definitly become my safe place. It can take time to trust someone to be your safe place, while you have other people who might know you better in this. As I chose this relationship, I also chose Jop to be my safe place. It takes good communication to let the other know when you feel safe or not. Reproaches or expectations will make it feel really unsafe, while tears and being vulnerable can make it even safer. Anyway, it takes courage.
I feel so loved when I recognize how he knows me better and better and does his best to provide in what I need. I love him so much, that I also want to find out what he needs and know him better and better to be his safe place. A first step is that I really should not be angry or irritated when he does not do it the way I want it while he is trying his best to help me out. I am trying to be more aware that things I say can make him feel not good enough. We both need a different approximation, but in the end we do need the same thing. We need a place to feel safe, seen and unconditionally love.